Plastic Boy
by I Am Famous
Summary: He thought he had everything in life- brains, respect, and a great haircut. But that was before half his body was brutally destroyed in a terrible plumbing incident.
1. Prologue

DISCLAIMER: This article does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of either myself, my company, my friends, or my dog; don't quote me on that; don't quote me on anything; all rights reserved; you may distribute this article freely but you may not make a profit from it; terms are subject to change without notice; illustrations are slightly enlarged to show detail; any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is unintentional and purely coincidental; do not remove this disclaimer under penalty of law; hand wash only, tumble dry on low heat...  
  
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He thought he had everything in life- brains, respect, and a great haircut. But that was before half his body was brutally destroyed in a terrible plumbing incident.  
  
To be fair, it wasn't just a spontaneously stupid mistake. Au contraire, it was a bunch of ruthless carnies; the worst kind, from a horrible travelling carnival called Billybob's Travelling Carnival.  
  
The now 20-year-old Artemis was left for dead after a botched attempt to extort the under-appreciated circus folk. After failed and failed attempts to reap money in other ways, the carnies had been his last resort. On the verge of bankruptcy, he had finally sunk to the lowest he could go. He stole their caravan and sold it for $10.50.  
  
The 'rubes', however, had taken a swift revenge. Artemis had far underestimated the power of carnies. They had passed the word through other sideshow freaks and eventually a 20-year-old black haired pale skinned boy had been identified. So, they tracked him down and snuck into his squalid apartment, and did the thing that carnies do best, other than being freaky: they jammed the toilet. With explosives. Then, they left the apartment.  
  
Artemis was far unaware of this nasty payback. And, when nature called, he answered. It was a disgusting scene. Blood, guts and toilet paper sprayed everywhere. When Butler came home from his football stadium security job, he assessed the situation and decided that the best thing to do would be to call in a favour.  
  
Early on in his youth he had helped imprison a mad genius scientist. He moved what was left of Artemis's mangled body to a cryogenics lab and took off to Azkaban prison, a super maximum maximum-security prison on the outskirts of Norway.  
  
After an intense three hours of interrogation, Butler and the mad scientist, Dr Furious, came to an agreement. In exchange for his freedom, the Doctor would create a new body for Artemis.  
  
Arriving later that week at the cryogenics lab, the Doctor prescribed a new nose, arm, leg, spleen and heart for the frozen Artemis.  
  
He set at once to work, and created a fantastically powerful brand spanking metallic robotic nose, arm, leg, spleen and heart for Artemis. 


	2. Dr Furious and the Robotic Limbs

Artemis was awoken by a drip, drip, drip by his right ear. While actually the dripping was just the Drip next to him, he thought, Dam, another leak, and closed his eyes and went back to sleep.  
  
He woke up again, a day later, and 3 years after his catastrophic calamity. He cracked an eye open and admired the swirling lights and colours of the room. Ah, Heaven he sighed.  
  
Somebody heard the sigh and leapt to the bedside, throwing aside the orange scarf he was knitting. "Artemis, you're awake!" exclaimed a jubilant voice. "Ugh unh jinkee..."mumbled Artemis, his tongue struggling to work again after such a long time of not working. From his body language, Butler was able to translate this into Where's the bacon. "Oh, bacon. I'll just go cook you some" spoke Butler hurriedly, and he scampered out of the room.  
  
Artemis groaned as the room came into focus, along with his thoughts. He shrieked as his last view of the bearded lady flashed through his mind.  
  
"Aaagh!" he yelled. Butler came running at once, oven mitts and all.  
  
"It's ok, Artemis! You're safe now! You had a terrible accident but Dr Furious was able to construct you a brand spanking new..." his voice was cut off as Artemis lurched out of the bed and quickly put his hands to his head.  
  
"NO!!! NOT DOCTOR FURIOUS!" he screamed. "AAH!" he yelped as he noticed his new mechanical body parts. His eyes sprang wide as another thought rushed into his head and he groped his groin just in case. Then his eyes flashed and "Why...did...you...let...Dr Furious...TOUCH...me...you MORON!" he steamed.  
  
"Look on the bright side, Artemis, you have a killer leg now...literally" Butler winked, or rather squinted quite absurdly as he did not know how to wink.  
  
"Yes... it all comes clear now...with these new robotical limbs I am now quite virtually unstoppable!" he rose shakily to his feet and lifted his arms. Butler, mistaking his intentions, squealed, "Oh woohoo, Macho man!" and whipped up his hard-hat from out of no where and started waving his oven mitted arms about.  
  
"No, Butler, I'm afraid you have the wrong end of the stick. The bacons burning." And it was indeed, and Butler pouted and ran arms outstretched to the side of the stove. Artemis was left alone to ponder the immense pondering required for being the ruler of the Universe. And then there was a knock on the door. The world as we knew it was about to change... 


	3. Would You Die For Me?

"I'll get it" came a call from the kitchen. A minute later a buzz of voices could be heard from the hallway. Artemis struggled to lift his leg and walked to the side of the room, arm resting on the doorframe. He saw two shadowy figures by the front door, one of them Butler, one a girl with a pizza. A mad idea came into his head. He raised his metal arm, spinning it round and round, and charged. The girl gave a half-scream as the arm knocked into her chest, and Butler sank to his knees distraught, money for the pizza spilling onto the floor. "Artemis! What have you done to this poor pizza girl!?" he wept.  
  
"It's not a pizza girl. It's a pizza man, man!" cried Artemis, crouching behind the form of the pizza person and grabbing hold of the face. He pulled and pulled to no ado, then "Oh... my bad" he shrugged, letting the head flop back down. "Let's blow this joint!"  
  
Butler gazed open mouthed at the boy transformed, then helplessly followed after Artemis, blowing big loud nose blows into his hanky.  
  
They strode for some time along a street, with the clank clank of Artemis's leg and the Bwhoff Bwfhhuhfh of Butler's nose, before stopping in front of a computer store. "Watch this" Artemis called, walking straight into the glass of the display window, his new nose easily ploughing through the glass before him. Alarms rang deafeningly and Artemis picked up an Apple iBook and walked back out.  
  
"Didn't see one at the pad" explained Artemis, casually shaking off the pitiful attacks of the storeowners and various policemen. "If I am going to rule the universe, I think one of these could come in handy. Plus, Solitaire is a real time killer."  
  
And back at the apartment, with the noise of choppers all around and big loudspeakers blaring incoherently, Artemis arranged a flight to Washington DC, no return, for himself and Butler.  
  
Arriving later that day, leaving behind a trail of money, mangled corpses and injured federal men, Artemis wasted no time in buying himself a Big Mac Combo.  
  
After Artemis was fed and watered, they finally arrived at the White House, making a beeline for the Oval Office. As they carried down the corridor, they noticed two SS men guarding the door. Artemis and Butler met eyes, Artemis with an evil metallic gleam to his, and Butler with a nothing- to-lose weeping sheen. Then, Butler nodded and they charged, with a war cry straight out of Braveheart, towards the individuals ahead. Yet, for some reason, they slowed down a bit halfway, with a hiss from Artemis; "Isthtpxndchps" he hissed. "Thnkswhtshdwd" Butler hissed back.  
  
And it was Pex and Chips and they lifted their guns and BAM a bullet was shot right into Artemis' heart. But, his metal heart deflected the blow and it bounced off it into Butler's shoulder.  
  
"Nooooooo," screamed Artemis. "My new Armani suit!"  
  
And now, more enraged than ever, he said, teeth clenched, "You will pay for this!" and he strode right up to shifty-eyed Pex and Chips and slapped them silly. This would have been funny if it was a different situation; Artemis slapped like a girl. But now with his super arm these blows he struck, struck pretty hard. Pex and Chips were soon on the floor begging for mercy.  
  
Artemis declared:"You shall be my henchmen," gave them one last blow to ensure their unconsciousness, and pushed open the large doors into the Oval Office.  
  
Artemis was taken far aback when he discovered just who was hunched over the Presidential desk indeed. 


	4. I Cry Myself To Sleep At Night

"Oh, would you mind wiping your feet on the carpet before you come in, old bean?" said the President.  
  
Artemis blinked twice, then whipped out a dangerously sharp looking machete. "Asta la vista, baby," he growled.  
  
Suddenly a famous Hollywood actor climbed through the window.  
  
"Dammit! Too late, again! Can't you mind your own business?" the man groaned, ripping off his Uzi and jumping up and down on it. Halfway to climbing back out the window, he paused and said, "Well, can you at least give me a dollar?"  
  
Artemis scowled, crossed the room and shoved him out the window instead. The last they heard of him was a slowly fading "I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack" as the man dropped further away from the window.  
  
"Anyway..." said Artemis, turning to face the President, who was flopped over his chair and nibbling a chocolate amphibian, with a slightly benign look about him. Artemis took his time to work his face into a cruel and vengeful expression. "You bastard! You killed my Voldy! Damn you to Hades!" he shrieked, murderously raising his machete.  
  
"Oh, dear, no, he's not dead, I daresay. He's like a very bad smell that won't go away. A wretched child that will make his mother buy him sweets from the supermarket no matter what it takes. A well-thrown boomerang. One of those hula hoops which you spin one way before tossing it the other. A Cher goodbye tour. A..."  
  
"Shut up, imbecile!" Artemis exploded, waving his arms about like in a crazy rain dance.  
  
"Ar...ty..." came a hoarse cry from the doorway. "You too!" shouted Artemis, spinning abruptly on one foot and glaring fiercely at a mortally wounded Butler.  
  
"...A recurring nightmare. A predictable robber who always returns to the scene of the cri..."  
  
"LALALALALA! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" shrieked Artemis at the top of his voice, stuffing his fingers in his ears and spinning about while doing an Irish jig. Then he suddenly froze as a dark shadow came into his frenzied vision.  
  
"Artemis..." came a tender hiss from the window.  
  
"Eek!" yelped the President who promptly shut up and leapt behind his desk.  
  
"V-V-Voldy?" squeaked Artemis, putting his hands to his mouth and stumbling about dizzily. "Is that you? Voldy?"  
  
"It is, my preciousss," came the gentle hiss once again.  
  
"Oh!" cried Artemis, leaping where he thought he saw the shadow, instead coming into contact with a very rigid bookcase. "Owwww..." he said.  
  
There came a patient sigh from the shady outline by the window. Artemis stepped back, his vision coming into focus. But as he did so, his foot landed on Pex's gun, which had been flung in the struggle beforehand. BANG- it went off.  
  
Artemis wiped the blood from his face, breathed deep and screeeamed like a girl at the mangled man before him. He rushed over to the body. "Show Arty where it hurts, Voldy!"  
  
He got no response from the thinly drawn lips, already becoming blue.  
  
"Arty- Arty will kiss it better!" said Artemis, with a desperate and wild note in his voice.  
  
Still, there were no flashes of meaning from behind those glazed, beetle black eyes so dear to Artemis.  
  
Artemis gave a great shudder, wrenching away from the body. His eyes, burning with hatred, swivelled round in their sockets to bring the chattering President into view.  
  
"This... is... the absolute LAST straw," said Artemis, with his teeth clenched. He rose and pointed the machete at the President.  
  
"Er... like I said, he's not dead. Trust me, you just wait a while, and he'll make a comeback, eventually," said the quivering Pres.  
  
"Silence, you fool! That's not good enough! You're gonna pay for this!" sobbed Artemis. He stepped closer to the man.  
  
The president stood up, panic in his eyes, his hand groping beneath the mahogany wood.  
  
"Eureka!" he gave a cry, and just before Artemis could plunge the knife into his body, a whole opened up in the floor, and the President was promptly swallowed up.  
  
Artemis stood gaping like a fish for a while. He pinched his nose against the bittersweet tang of blood, stuck the machete into his pocket and mimicked the President's last manoeuvre. But no matter how many times he pressed the switch he had discovered, the floor revealed no hole and Artemis, exhausted through shouting and high emotions, gave up.  
  
He gave one last, mournful look at his Voldy, and walked out of the room, stepping over the still whimpering Butler.  
  
"Get up, boys," sighed Artemis, prodding the snoring Pex and Chips with the end of his knife.  
  
Mumbling and muttering, they got to their feet and followed Artemis out of the building, disposing of any who got in their way. 


End file.
